School has been stressful and takes up all my free time it seems. I don’t write on here often enough and when I do, it’s usually retrospective. In going through what few posts I have, I noticed I haven’t quite kept up with the “Motherhood” portion of my blogs name, so here’s a bit about the mom side of things.
Obviously, the most drastic change has been the amount of time I spend with my daughter, Kayle. It’s gone from spending all day together for the month before I started classes to seeing her only in the evenings most days (I’m usually gone before she wakes up in the mornings).
It’s somewhat upsetting for a couple of reasons. First of all, I miss things – her first drawing, her first time trying to dance ballet, the first time she counted to 10. These are all things my mother told me she did and I wasn’t there to experience them the first time as they happened. Secondly, I’m afraid that we won’t be super close. So far that doesn’t seem to be the case. When I’m around she forgets everybody else pretty much and clings to me like there’s no tomorrow. However, that fear is still there. Especially as she gets older and understands a bit more.
Even today, I’ve decided to stay home to study (not the best idea but I’ll try none the less) but I have to basically hide from her. Anyhow she knows that she can just come in my room, she will not let me study. So, even now, as I write this, I can hear her giving my mother trouble in the next room and I just want to get up and get her. I want to see what she’s getting into, pick her up, and spend some time with her. But I also know that if she sees me, all hopes for studying right now go out the window.
What I plan to do, however, is take her someplace fun at least once a month, be it the zoo, a museum, something like that. Also, I’ll be more proactive when I do come home in the evenings and make better use of our time. Additionally, I will enjoy even more every moment we do have together.
But how I miss spending all day, just hanging out, with her!