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Your Invited

I started blogging (which for me was really off and on typing of randomness) in 2011. I wasn’t entirely sure what I was doing but I know I wanted to share my story in hopes that it would encourage others to pursue their passion relentlessly. As what so often happens, life gets in the way, plans get upturned, and you end up feeling lost.

This is where I found myself earlier this year. The oh too familiar feeling of what’s next lingering over my head like an axe, waiting to decapitate me. And for a while there, I wished it would. But alas, I’m still here. I’m still alive and kicking. Therefore, there must be a purpose to all this mess. All this mayhem.

With that being said, as I am no longer a medical student, I decided it was time to change gears a bit. I’m moving my site to Medicine, Motherhood, and Mayhem where I hope to continue to share my story, encourage others, answer questions, and expand on this whole life experience of mine.

I invite you to come along.



Trying This Again

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Obviously, my experiment in trying to keep up with this blog did not take. Call me insane, but I’m going to try this again during residency where I’ll have even less time and be even more sleep deprived. Here’s to Residency, Motherhood, and Mayhem.

Her First First Day of School – And I Missed It

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I don’t know who’s been more excited about Kayle’s first day, me or her. I’ve been building up the momentum to this glorious occasion since she was about 2 years old to be honest. I’ve been excitedly waiting in anticipation to see her finally branch out into new, unexplored territories. I know she was ready, and has been so for sometime.

Last week Friday we attended an orientation at her school. We bought uniforms, met the teacher, and got to see her classroom. At the end of the session, I felt really good about the school I had chosen and I know she’s in exactly the right place for her.

Unfortunately, neither I nor Dad could take her to school this morning. I’m currently in a surgery rotation and must be at the hospital by 5:30 am. Additionally, the hospital is about an hour’s drive away so I wouldn’t even make it back home in time to get her to school by 8:30 am. Dad is also working about an hour and a half away so he couldn’t take her either.

Last night, I gave my mother a lesson in taking photos with my camera to make sure she captured the moment (which she did). At least I’ll have those!

And by the time I made it home tonight, Kayle was asleep so I don’t even get to talk to her about her day.

This is quite disappointing to me. Up til now, I’ve been able to be there for all of Kayle’s big and important moments. This is the first time I’ve missed any sort of milestone. The past 2 years, I’ve seen my level of involvement in her daily life plummet due to my schedule – rotations occurring far away, the times I must be at the various hospitals we attend, and the lack of flexibility in my schedule is the source. This is definitely a glimpse of the future as I think about the rigors of residency. I’ve actually started wondering how many more important life events will I have to miss? It’s one thing to miss a friends wedding, for example, but to miss your child’s anything, especially when they are so young, is difficult.

I admit, it’s probably more difficult for me than her, but I also don’t want this to become a thing where Mom is always missing from the important events in her life.

Nevertheless, I am so very proud of how far she has come and how much she has grown. This weekend was exhausting, running around getting last minute school supplies. But it was also thrilling because it marked a new era in the life of our family.

I am now a proud parent of a school aged child! Here’s to a fabulous school year!!

Countdown to Step 2 CK!

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I take part 1 of the USMLE Step 2 on Thursday and I cannot wait.  I am not excited about the prospect of taking a 9 HOUR exam (the thought only makes me want to cry) but at the thought of being done with the 2 major exam of my medical school career (I’ll still have Step 2 CS to take but I feel that it is not nearly as scary/frustrating as Step 1 and Step 2 CK).

So, here I am, 3 days left and then I’m done with multiple choice exams for the rest of medical school.  Cannot wait!

Your Days Are Numbered

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I hate to admit it but Kaylé is spoiled.  This is not [entirely] my fault.  Since we live with so many other people, sometimes, their rules (or lack their of) appear to be a better option than any rules I set forth.  I often find myself wondering how my mother and grandparents successfully raised children because Kaylé gets away with so much more than my brother and I (and my mother and her brothers) ever did.  Lucky girl!

I do  play a role in some of this <clearing of throat>.  For instance, Kaylé’s bedtime rivals those of most adults.  This is my own fault.  We share a room and I would often interrupt her sleep with lights and noise as I was still awake trying to prepare for the next day of class.

As I approach Med School Heaven (i.e. fourth year of med school), I look forward to not having to study for an exam, not having to be out in order to get work done, and being able to spend some real quality time with Kaylé.  I also look forward to breaking some of those bad habits that have formed over the past 2-3 years.  Whenever I catch Kaylé performing one of those I habits, I gently remind her, “Your days are numbered.”

She is greatly displeased in hearing this.  I think she believes that I will be ushering some sort of dooms day for her. Saying this usually results in crying and pleading for me to not “number her days.”   She may will not understand what I am doing or why and she definitely will not appreciate the process but we will all be better off.

As parents, we should be constantly vigilant as to what is going on with our children, noticing the things we like and dislike.  For those things we dislike, we should have a plan to address them before they get out of hand (or to a point where we can no longer effect change).  I can remember plenty of times my mother did this with me and I hated it.  Looking back now, however, I know it was for my good.  Hopefully, Kaylé will see this the same way as well.

Psychiatry Rotation – Day 1

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I would be lying if I said I was excited about this clerkship.  I mean, there’s a reason I put it at the end (no call, light hours).  Psychiatry was one specialty I knew even before beginning medical school that I did not want to do.  My mother is a psychologist so I had seen and heard enough to make that decision. However, as I watched my attending interview patients (and their parents in the case of the children), I found a new appreciation for the specialty and for my role as a parent of a healthy child.

A couple of weeks ago I wrote a little about some frustration I was having with Kayle and how I had to remind myself that she’s just a toddler.  As I watched parents express their frustrations with the behavior of their children, I was even more thankful for what I have.

The first child I saw today has Attention Deficit and Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) for which the current medication is not working very well. The child was very sweet but could not sit still.  She fidgeted and was in and out of her seat, she wanted to leave the room a number of times to go to the scale and weigh herself, she asked my colleague and myself our names 3 times each, and she pointed out all the things she liked about the 2 of us (hair, clothes, shoes – my kind of girl!).  It was nice to see that despite all of this, she appeared to have a good relationship with her mother.  The mother included her in the interview, and even when she did things that may not have been appropriate, her mother took it all in stride.

In contrast, I saw another child with autism whose parents were having a very difficult time with him due to his aggressive behavior. I could tell that his parents loved him very much as they were working very hard to get him all the services that he needed but they were obviously quite frustrated and reaching the end of their rope.  I’m sure the fact that he has severe intellectual disabilities and poor speaking abilities makes it difficult for them to connect with him in the same manner in which the previous mother and child do.

Children are very demanding which adds to both the joys and pains of parenthood.  Everyday I’m thankful for the health of my child, physically, emotionally, and mentally.  I’m glad that I can have a good relationship with her and communicate effectively with her.  I also tip my hat to the parent’s and families of children with intellectual disabilities.  Today served as only a small glimpse into a tiny part of their lives and I appreciate their openness and willingness to share that with me.  I definitely have a new appreciation for where I am in life.

And today was only day 1!

I spend tomorrow and next week in outpatient psychiatry, then I move onto inpatient psychiatry for the remainder of the clerkship.  I’m actually quite excited and looking forward to learning more about mental health issues as I continue on for the next 5 weeks.

Psychiatry isn’t too bad after all!

Help Me, Please

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Kaylé  gets frustrated pretty easily.  I could be sitting right next to her and she would rather remain in battle with whatever her opponent happens to be at that moment (a toy, a book, a piece of clothing, the computer, her tablet)  than ask for my help.  I find myself having to remind her that if she’s having trouble with something, just ask someone for help.

I’m no good at this either – asking for help.  I don’t know what it is but I always feel like I have to do everything on my own.  Maybe it’s the sense of accomplishment that comes with completing a daunting task by myself or the fear of feeling inadequate if I find myself in need of assistance.  One of the biggest lessons I’ll take away from medical school is that asking for help is not only OK, but encouraged (in most circumstances).

Looking back over the last 3-4 years of my life, I can find countless moments where if I had only asked for help, or asked for help sooner, things would have been much better.  For instance, I’m not the best exam taker.  Don’t get me wrong, I know my stuff.  It just, when I sit for an exam, it takes me a while to get into the groove of things.  Plus, I’m no good at guessing correctly and I never go with my gut (which is usually correct).  Needless to say, I discovered earlier this year that I have a bit of test taking anxiety.  Unfortunately, this was discovered a few weeks before my second to last shelf exam (the exams we take during third year) and second to last exam of medical school (not counting the boards).  I made some changes for those last 2 exams which definitely helped (moved my seat to a quite, less distracting corner; put in some ear plugs).  If only I had sought help sooner, I may have been able to make some more helpful changes.  Can’t cry over spilled milk (or so they say).

OK, so the more I think about it, the more I sound like a control freak.  And maybe this is what it boils down to in the end – a need for control.  Regardless, this is something I recognized in myself a long time ago and am still working on.

So today, I heard Kaylé scream in frustration trying to pull out a piece of play food that had gotten stuck in her doll house’s refrigerator.  As usual, I remind her that instead of getting frustrated, just ask me for help.  I had to smile to myself as I said this because I know exactly where she gets it from.

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